Beating PTSD, Addiction and Homelessness with Marcus Thornton

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Hello everyone. And welcome to the curious Ulsterman podcast. The podcast that gives you the tools you need to fry for some adult. And I can't wait to introduce you to today's guest , uh, Marcus fortune , very good friend of mine. And while he just has an amazing story to tell overcoming PTSD drug addiction, alcoholism, homelessness, and a variety of other curveballs, that life free his way. I know you're going to get a lot of value out of this talk today. I know why I did so. Yeah. Here's my friend Marcus, and hope you enjoy the talk, Marcus. Thanks very much for coming on the podcast today.

Now, John , thanks for having me. Yeah,

I'm really looking forward to this one. Um , for those in the audience, this will be the first ever special episode of the curious ultimate podcast . And man , I can't think of a better guy to have the Marcus . So I've been lucky enough to have a chat with him over the past few months and get to know his story. And the moment I conceptualize the idea of having like a special episode with interesting stories to tell you is the first person I fall off. So , uh , I got a lot of value from being friends with him and I'm sure you will get value from the stories you'll share today. Um, for those of you who are just joining , uh, and perhaps have more of the trailer this , uh, special , um, is, as I just said, it's going to be a diet doing a deep dive and the special , uh, people's stories. And the key outcome here is that you're going to be inspired and motivated and realize that we've all got something going on, but it's all by how you break through those barriers or those things keeping you dying and ultimately succeeding in the end. So, yeah. So what I would like to start with Marcus is what is your story?

That's an interesting question right off the bat. Um, well, first of all, thanks so much for having me and considering me interesting like that, that means a lot to me. Um, but no , so I'm a us army veteran. I did six years , uh, three as a medic three as an infantryman. Um, yeah, I went right out of high school with that, into the army. And then while I was in the army, I got married. So, I mean from 1718 on to about 22, I was just sort of living that life. I didn't really have a chance to do my own thing. I was kind of at the mercy of the waves, so to speak. Um, so I never really got a chance to develop my own , um, personality really. I mean, as a whole , um , going back a little further than that, I grew up in a household. That to me was extremely normal, but turns out as I'm finding out later in my adult life, it wasn't so normal. Uh, dad's an alcoholic. Um , mom is sort of an enabler in those sorts of things, which in later on in life, she enabled my alcoholism, but we'll get into that. Um, so yeah, to me that was, that was normal. You know, I thought every kid dealt with , um, parents fighting loudly, smashing out headlights of the car with a baseball bat, like those sorts of things, but it turns out it's not, but anyway, so yeah. Um, I got out of the army in 2011 and got divorced that same month and 2011, early 2011. So basically all of my structure, all of my accountability , um , internal and external kind of just went away at the same time. And , um, prior to that, I went to Iraq in Oh six and I was seven and kind of developed a little bit of a , um, some, some mental issues from that that I've had to deal with through like certain types of trauma. I won't get into too much detail on that, but PTSD it's it's there from that. And , um, yeah, so I just sorta , once everything went away in the form of structure and accountability, I just sorta, I don't know how to describe it. I kind of went off the rails for a while . I , um, I got really selfish. That's the best way that I can describe it. In hindsight, I , uh, really lit my drink and control me. I was crashing on people's couches because I lost everything in the divorce. I lost my house back counts cars. Um, I had gotten two DUIs prior to that, so I didn't even have a driver's license. Like it was just a bad time for me in those respects, but I was partying every night. So in the moment it didn't seem so bad. Right. Cause I was, I was drunk all the time, so I didn't understand, I didn't understand the gravity of how bad it really was, you know, until later in life, like a decade later, essentially almost a decade later, I'm starting to realize how bad I actually got, but yeah, all that fell apart. And then from 2011 to about 2013, those two years there, I just sort of traveled the United States. Um, I lived in upstate New York with my cousin, crashed him , his apartment above his garage, working construction, drinking all the time. I , uh , moved to Seattle to attend an underwater welding school , um , drinking all the time. That's the common thread. You'll find my story up until about two years ago is drinking all the time. Um, I squandered Seattle and lived there for nine months. Just wasted that time, moved to Austin, Texas for a while . After that drinking all the time, working for save the children, I was street canvasing . My , uh, yeah, that was an interesting job left. That job came back to Kentucky, which is where I'm currently living. I'm home, my home state and , um , started working on a horse farm, which was actually pretty awesome. But again, drinking all the time. So in June, 2016 is when everything sort of like really fell apart. I was alone working on this horse farm and drunk every day, every night. Um, and one day I just had a mental breakdown, which I guess I should say prior to , um, that I , uh, I had alienated all my friends. Right. So I didn't have anybody to speak to. I was, when I say alone, I mean, alone thought I prefer to , I was wrong. Um, but you know, whatever, hindsight's 2020, but , uh, so yeah, I had the mental breakdown in my boss and air force, Vietnam veteran. He looked at me and he says, Hey , uh, either you go get help or like you're out of here. Right. So I said, okay. I went to a , um , I went to a 28 day inpatient alcohol , um, like addiction treatment facility at the, at the VA. I did a 28 day program and I'm signed up for a 45 day program immediately after that. So I did 70 some odd days total with that. When I got out of that, went back to the horse. Farm, turns out my boss had given my job away and the apartment I was living in , uh , he , uh, he , he actually had the new guy living in my apartment. So it was like, he was like, I didn't know you were coming back. Cause like, bro.

So I mean, I was,

I was sober. I was dry. I hadn't drank any and 70 days, which was new for me. You know, it'd been years since I'd done that. And I went two weeks. I made it two weeks before I got drunk and ruined everything again. And he said, okay, you're out pace . So thus it starts my homeless escapades. I , uh, I was homeless for sure. Like there was nowhere to go. Um, and so I went to the VA and I was like, Hey, let me do another inpatient program. They said, they said you can't cause you just did one. Um, so go to this organization, I went to this organization called volunteers of America and um, stayed there for six months. Just stayed , stayed dry, still, not quite sober, you know, because I find there's a difference there. Right? It's a mindset thing, you know, for me. And I'm still thought that I was different. I still thought that I was special. You know, I wasn't really, Oh, I don't want to do AA. AA is not going to work for me. Like all of these meetings and stuff. That's not going to work for me. I'm different, you know, which was incorrect in the grand scheme of things, you know, suffering is suffering, whatever, whatever it is, there is nothing that I can suffer at another human being hasn't already done. Like it's just, it's not going to happen. You know? So before I hadn't realized that at that point, but , uh, anyway, so I stayed there for six months, got out and I , I moved into low income housing that the VA had set up for me, which at first was cool, except for on my way out of the facility to my new apartment, I got a bottle in a case of beer and went right back to same habits, you know? So that, that year that I spent in low income housing after that was just, that was the lowest of lows for me. I , uh, except I did , I met a person while I was there. He was, he was six foot three. I , uh, a black guy cross-dresser prostitute, homosexual prostitute. Okay. And I, during the day we would hang out and smoke weed and play jeopardy on like a video game version of jeopardy and just talk about things. And , uh, at night he had to work right. Put on his wig and put on his dress and had work to do. I didn't ask questions about that now. It was good for awhile up until finally I experimented with , uh , meth, which bad idea never do that. Especially if you're already a paranoid individual, like myself with the PTSD, meth is bad. Okay. We just we've determined that. And I also tried crack at the time and uh , another bad drug don't do it. There's nothing good that can come from those drugs. Um, so yeah, that, that year was interesting at the end of that year, my lease ran up and I was like, Oh , okay. Something's got to give, you know, like at one point, I mean, this is something that a lot of people don't about me at one point during that year, I was so broke and had no food in my house. I ate dry dog food in order to sustain myself. Yeah. So it was dry dog food too , you know, like it was not even the wet dog food, you know what I mean ? You can deal with, if you're in like a fallout shelter or something, but now there's dry kibble. So it was, it was a low moment for me, for sure. So that your , um , goes up and I go back to the VOA and I do another six months now during this six months, things are going great. I get back into running. Like I had always kind of been into running since the army, but never really seriously gotten into it. But this second six months of being homeless, living in a homeless shelter, I decided to start running again because they wouldn't let me work for the first month or two, you know, cause you had to go to all these AA meetings and you had to follow a program and do all this stuff, which is good. I got that structure back. Right. Yeah. Which I didn't realize at the time, but now I realize I sorely needed that structure. Um, so I get back into running. My health is kicking up. Mental health is starting to do well in six months. I'm like, okay, I got this. That was my first mistake. I said, I got this, you know, which I left. And then I moved into a house with a couple roommates and just right back to the same crap, like on the way out of the homeless shelter, I stopped and got a bottle. Right. And then I went and got a bag of weed, excuse me, which is right back to the same cramp. But I thought I had it, you know, I thought I was in , well, I lived in this place for, I don't even know, maybe like four months, five months, not that long, you know, until my roommates were like, Hey bro, we're done with you. Like you're, you're no good for this place. And you know, that was fun. I, I ha I held some resentments against them for a long time, but I'm over that now because I realized how big of a bag of I really was. I was selfish, you know, at squander my rent money on booze, like come on. Yeah , I was , I was the worst roommate on the planet. Um, so then I went back to the 45 day inpatient program at the VA, just so that I could honestly figure some things out and save up some money for a month so that I could like get my own place. And while I was there, man, I went through, what's called prolonged exposure therapy. And it's like, it's like, super-intense , if you want to talk about it, we can. But uh, it's super intense stuff. Um, and that kinda something clicked for me in doing that therapy. And , uh , it hurt that hurt, but that's what I needed, you know? But so I left that program, went down to my hometown, Corbin, Kentucky, and , um, moved into an apartment and go figure, I went right back to the same patterns. Except this time I felt bad about it. I went right back to drinking and smoking, but I just felt like, Oh, I'm so tired of this. You know, like I was finally just over it, but I kept doing it anyway because I'm an addict, you know? Yeah . But that, that shame and that guilt is what really helped me to like, once something finally did happen, which in my case, I met the right girl. She moved in across the hall from me and then, you know , struck up a relationship. Um, but yeah, like when that one thing came, that's when I was ready for it to change, you know, and that was almost three years ago now. So since then I've been back in college, just finished up my bachelor's , I'm going from my , master's got a baby on the way, living in a house, like not homeless. So things are looking up and I'm sober. So things are looking up.

Thus , that's an incredible story. I mean, like I've heard bits and pieces of that, but that's the first time I ever heard the full story and there was like, gosh, I could chat for hours about that. But the SU cause there's so much to unpack, but something I do want to have a char by is that lone Wolf mentality and not asking for help. So what , describe what was going through your mind at the time that you didn't need help, that you could handle it when clearly you couldn't clearly something was very wrong, but what was going through your mind at the time that you wouldn't seek help? Because there's so many people in this position, whether that's alcoholism or drugs or Peck your addiction, who say, I don't have a problem and they refuse to seek help for it. What what's, what's, we'll say that, you know, made you resist getting help, pride, pride, full ,

Full on. It had to be the pride ego. My ego was enormous. Like, don't get me wrong. I still have a pretty massive ego, but now it's a little different. But then, I mean, I was so prideful. Like I was supposed to be this , this army veteran I'd been to war, you know, like I had, I had conquered all these things and, and plus I would justify my drinking as well. You know, like I would, I would go run miles and then binge drink for the rest of the night and be like, no , it's cool. My health is fine. I'm still running five miles every other day. Like, I'm good. So I would find these little tricks to just justify it instead of like owning up to it, you know? But then another thing for me too , was anger. Like I had, there was a point for me where , um, religion became an outlet for me. Like the , not religion, like going to church, but hating religion. Like I had qualms with God. Like I was mad at God. And then I got mad at myself because I was like, I had this idea that God doesn't exist. And then somebody said, well, if God doesn't exist, how can you be mad at him? So I had this big existential like show going on in my head and I didn't know what to do with it. Right. So I was just angry all the time. I was living outside of my own integrity. And then that caused me to just be mad all the time. And then, but the pride for real man, like I had it in my mind that I should be able to handle, I should be able to handle this crap. And that kept me from going out and getting help. And I just, I was mad at the world, man. I was so mad.

Yeah. There's so many people like the, I must admit , like I think I went through a small frankly, very small fears where like, I , I was quite angry for a lot, for just anything really. And that was just my being very stressful at work. And you know , uh, people being like, you know, you're working a hundred hours a week, are you sure? You're all right . Yes, of course. I'm all right . I can handle this. You know, you can make every excuse under the sun. Um, frankly, that didn't last too long, but yeah, I mean, it might be, I don't know if you could recall, but what , what finally got rid of the anger? What was the, what was the moment I know you described in detail, you know, the moment you, you kept going back to the VA and asking for help, but you know, what was the moment that you got rid of that pride, that ego and that anger. I still deal with it. You still do a little bit.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Like on occasion, man, it's just, I really framed the way I use it. Like used to, it was an excuse to be, used to as an excuse to go off and do these things like, Oh, well, or I'm angry. Like, so I'm going to just do whatever. But now it's like, if I look at myself and I say I'm angry at the world, then I can either use it as an excuse to be a victim, or I can use it as, as fuel to be better. It's like, okay, I see this problem with society. I see this problem with this. Like, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to mope and cry about it? Or am I going to just go get better? So now of getting me all down in the dumps, it pumps me up. Cause I'm like, okay, now that I've seen the problem that I feel like is a problem. Now it's just my perception of what a problem may be. Then I'm able to start formulating a solution. Whereas before I just used it as, Oh , there's so many problems while why do anything like it's it's nihilism. It was, it was a form of nihilism for me. Like nothing matters. So why do anything different? Whereas now it's like, everything matters, you know? So do everything different. I don't know . It's just a reframing of it, but on occasion, man, like I'll still, I'm really hard on myself. Like borderline perfectionist, where sometimes I actually go full on perfectionist and I've found that , um, I actually had an instructor tell me not long ago that , um , perfect is the enemy of done and that stuck with me because sometimes I want to be perfect at things to a point to where I won't even start it because I know that it won't be perfect. So why even do it, which is stupid. Like that's just a dumb attitude to have, but yeah, I still, I still get angry at certain things, but now I just channel it because I'm still an addict. Right. Like I still have that addict personality. So like I'm super high energy. Um, like things just I'm just had to reframe it like, and running has been a huge outlet in those terms, because running is something that I CA I'm addicted to it. Like if I go a couple of days without running, I get headaches. I turned into a miserable little boy. Like you can ask my wife she'll vouch for me. I turned into just a , just a pile of crap. But you know, it's , it's another addiction. But with this one, there's no legal ramifications for running too much. Um , Hm . Hm . It's not as bad, I guess.

Yeah. I really like the on , I really find that. Interesting. Hi, you, haven't got rid of the mindset, so to speak, like the addict mindset is still there, but rather than it ruining your life, you've nearly turned it into a tool that , you know, benefits you and the people have in your sphere of influence. Um, cause that's something quite maybe naively of me that I fought that, you know, you go to rehab and you get rid of the mindset, but from what I'm gathering, it's a reframing of the mindset. And I, so that like, you're still you like before rehab and after rehab, you're still you, but quite clearly something has changed. And if I'm hearing you correctly, that change is reframing your thoughts and ideas in such that they no longer control you and your , um, negative addictions, they were , they , they, they feed off your negative addictions. They, you know, I reframe it that it's, you turn them into tools and those tools that you apply to positive addictions, potentially if I'm getting this correctly , um, if , if it's just your circumstance and like the results from your life are just incredible, like going from quite frankly, you know, being homeless and anodic to, you know, doing exceptionally well in university with a wife and a child on the way and a stable home, it's just been an incredible transformation.

Oh yeah. And I think that's one of the big problems with the , um, mental health sector. Um, especially here in America, I can only speak for it here is that , um, there's this idea that we need to fix something, which the only time you ever need to fix something is if something is broken. Yeah . So addicts are treated and addicts and alcoholics, if you want to separate the two, which I don't, but , um, there were treated as if something is broken within us, where I was having a conversation with a guy I remember years ago , um , in a program I was in and I came to this conclusion that, you know, even guys with PTSD, like, especially the military , um, PTSD is like, we're enhanced. We are enhanced individuals because we have this ability of, we have extreme focus. We just haven't figured out what to focus on for me, I focused on the booze because it took away my, it took away all of the different, like my mind was going a hundred miles an hour. So when I would drink it would slow that down, but I don't need to slow it down. I just need to channel it into something. So, I mean , that's why now, like my wife will even ask me sometimes, or she'll mention to me sometimes, like if I'm on a break between semesters or if I've got like a week off, she's like, so what are you going to work on? And or something like that, you know, like you, can't just, you can't sit still. Like I spent a week just recently because of the holidays sleeping in. I felt like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. Like I started getting down on myself. I was like, nah, like I gotta fix this. You know, just because I would sleep in a couple days, you know, or I took five days off for running to let my body sorta like repair itself. And then I started getting like mad at myself, which is it's silly, but you know, I got to as, as an addict and as, as anybody who can be obsessive, because we can all be obsessive about things. If we find something we're interested in , um, we just gotta be mindful of it, that we have that mindset, you know, once you become mindful of it, if something tends to go too far in one direction, then when you're mindful of it, you're able to, okay, this is, this is the sign that that's going too far. I need to pump the brakes pivot or, you know, just figure out what I need to do so that I don't go off the rails. Like I did last time. You know, you gotta learn from it. It's not easy. It's simple, but not easy.

Yeah. And I mean, what I really like about this story is just by humanizing, it is. And I like what you said about high Arctics , regardless of the addiction are treated as broken people. Um, uh, something , uh, I was watching recently , uh, I seen that new series, new Amsterdam, I think it's , uh, based off a drama, a medical drama series , uh , set in New York. Um, and , uh, there was a psychiatrist in it and he's dealing with a young troubled youth. Uh, and she says, you know , um, I was broken and you fixed me. And he said, the very nice line , you were never broken. And I kind of liked that . I mean, I don't know if you would disagree with me in that, but like, I, I don't know if I would see, see Arctics is broken people at all. I was maybe say, you know, coming from a place of, I've never been an addict and, you know, touch wood, wherever circumstances in life, I would never, you know , succumb to that. But , um, perhaps it is just a wrong frame of mind. That is essentially what the Arctic is potentially suffering from. And clearly from what you said, that when you went free rehab, it was that reframing of the mind that , you know, you're not going to change your personality or of biotic personality or you're on the go all the time, or you need something to intently focus on. If that's not going to change. Why not just rehang? Why not just pivot and put it into something good that will immensely benefit you. Does that sound about right?

Yeah, absolutely. And another thing on that, like our society has this framework of, well, I don't want to say everyone. That's very generalizing, but like there's this framework of addicts are broken people, but that is becoming perpetuated through pop culture. Like I, I drive down the street and my wife likes to listen to the radio. I don't, I despise the radio. I'm a music snob. So big . She likes to listen to the radio and it's all these songs about like, we're supposed to be happy all the time or, or comfort is King or like things like , um , I'm broken and now we're two broken people who have found each other. And it just irks me, like, I'm sure I get on her nerves because I'm like always critiquing music, like on the radio. I'm like, this is why this is crap. And I'm sure it gets annoying. I'd probably get extremely knowing to be around. But anyway, like our , our culture perpetuates it. And I don't know if there's any big shadowy hand in the background trying to push these agendas, you know, for control or whatever. Like I'm not a conspiracy Q Anon , any of that stuff, but like, it's become so normal and so accepted to be a victim that not only does pop culture perpetuate this stuff, but attics and veterans with PTSD and anybody who's gone through trauma and has PTSD. Like we are taught this stuff and we perpetuate it . Like, I'm just as guilty as of perpetuating that stereotype. Because for the long time I was the angry veteran, right. I was the guy who was like, Oh, don't set off fireworks because I'm going to jump behind the couch and hide and like going door to door, Hey, don't send off your fireworks because you live next to a veteran or putting a sign in my yard and you know, some kind of craziness like that, or nobody should be drinking around me because they should know that I'm an alcoholic and I can't handle it or it's going to trigger me or some crap. Like I used that. And I felt justified in using those excuses. Like , I mean, I guess that's a form of virtue signaling if we really want to start getting into that. But like, it was, I had accepted the fact that I was a victim and I broadcast it to the world. I'm a victim, you know? And now looking back on it, I'm like, it disgusts me about myself. I'm like, Ugh, I can't believe I did that. So now if I catch myself doing that, I try to reframe my mindset and like just, I D I fixed myself. Like, if, if I can find something about myself to fix, then I won't perpetuate that message. Right. Yeah . Because I can't fix anybody else. I can't fix anybody else's mindset. Um, like I can't go into their brain and rewire their circuitry, however I can do mine. And I can represent a better idea of the culture that, you know, hopefully somebody will be like, Oh, Hey, that's a good idea. I'm going to reframe my mindset to go with that mindset because it's better. You know, I don't know. Maybe that's a soap box.

No, I , I , well, it touches on an interesting subject. So what I get from that is, is that, you know, take personal responsibility and your own accountability. And so with that in mind, what , hi , hi , is your mindset and your life changed then since you cast off the victim card, and I, maybe I hope I'm using the right term here, be a vector like and everything.

Yeah. Um, that's a really good question. Um, it has been a gradual shift. I've never, like, I can say I can name some specific events that helped me along the way, but it's been very, very gradual, like, so gradual, I'm still working on it. Like I still journal and I still , um, study stoicism like daily. Like every single day, it's something that I have to do meditate. Um, I know that you like to meditate and you can speak to the power of meditation. But like the mindset shift that really changed to me was I had to stop worrying about what other people thought about me. Like, I was so egotistical and like, I thought that everybody was looking at me. Right. Like I thought that everybody was judging me and like, I couldn't, I couldn't do what I really deep down wanted to do, because it was stupid. Like, it would look silly to people. And I , I just finally came to a point where I stopped caring about what anybody thought about me. And I really did a deep dive of like, okay, who do I want to be? Like, what do I want to do? And so I went and looking for people right on Instagram, on social media, like, what is that guy doing that I'd like to emulate? Not there. I don't want to emulate them and be them, but like what aspects of that individual, but I like to take and make my own. So I made a list. I made a list like discipline, courage, all of these other things, you know, like these good attributes that I wanted to embody that I hadn't quite embodied yet. And then I just went down the list, figuring out how I can become that person. So I guess the mindset shift that came with that was I had to become willing to learn, you know, like I had to accept the fact that I was ignorant in most things. Right. I know it maybe sounds like a little, like , um , I beat myself up, which I do, you know? Cause I'm happy, not content. Right. But like, I, I had to accept the fact that I was ignorant. Yes. But also capable of fixing that through any means necessary. Like if I want to learn how to be a better husband, guess what? I need to go find some guys who I see that are good husbands. I need to talk to them. If I need to go read a book, like the five love languages, I need to listen to that book. Admittedly, I have not finished it yet. I'm like 39% through the audio book, but you know, I still work at it. So it's changing that mindset for me. I had to get tired of being mediocre. I had to get tired of being tired. You know, I just, I had to be ready for it. And you can't force that. I think that comes through just having enough pain and to be tired of the pain self-inflicted or otherwise, you know?

Well , that's , that's some really good insights there. And I think that just from this conversation, the biggest thing I'm taking away from, you know, shedding that victim mentality is that it's liberating because you can suddenly take a very clear and unbiased view of all your faults and NY it's liberating because you can do something about it. You can take charge of your health and everything else.

It is liberating, but not at first,

At first. Yeah.

At first it sucks because you're labeling all of the that you don't like about yourself, which hurts the ego, but you've got to tear it down to build it back up, you know? And for me , um , there's a quote from eat. Pray, love that movie 10 . She says, she says, ruin is the road to transformation. I don't know if she took that from somewhere else or whatever, but that hit me ruin is the road to transformation. Like we tear it down to change it, to build it up and we can change things like once we tear it down and it's backed down to zero, we can change it to however we want it to be. And that's the liberating part. But for me, that took a couple of years to even get to that place. And I still, some days I still wake up feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah. Well , it's only human though. Isn't it? I mean, it's the fact though that the majority of the time, you know, you, you do take charge of your , your day and your mindset and you don't subscribe to the victim mentality and you know, you're your own man and you, you know, you know exactly what you want. You're going to go get it. But it's interesting what you say about it took a couple of years. So, you know , I was going to ask it was what was the penny drop moment that everything changed. But with that, would you say that your own case, or in most cases, even that it's not a penny drop moment, it is a gradual shift or maybe even a Bebo?

Yeah, I would definitely say it's a bit of both. Like for me, it's been two years ish of like consistent daily work, but those two years, those two years started one day, right? One day I w I had to be like, okay, I'm tired of this. And then I had to decide to make the change. So that decision, I remember when that decision happened , um, I was in my apartment. It was me and my wife who we , um, we were engaged at the time. Like we had , I had just proposed to her and I was still drinking, but not as heavy as I was, but I was still drinking. And , um, she, she basically gave me an ultimatum, which normally relationships, those don't really work out. Like, it's not a good thing, but she basically was like, you need to quit drinking or I'm outta here. Like, this is ridiculous. And I don't blame her. Like she should, she should have done that before we even got together. Either you don't drink or we're not going to be together, but like that I was ready for that, you know? Cause I was so fed up with my own. Like I was so tired of being me that I was ready to change. I just didn't know how, or I didn't have anything to change for because I was too weak to realize that I needed to change for myself. So like when she said that, I was like, okay, that's what I needed a Swift kick. And then from that day on, like, I've fallen short numerous times from that moment to now. But I remember I'll never forget that moment because that moment started the path for me. It started this whole journey.

Nothing. Yeah. That's very interesting. So I suppose moving on from the, what I would say, and you've probably already answered this question quite in detail, but in perhaps broad strokes, how has your life changed after that penny drop moment and the consistent work of two years compared to where you were five, 10 years ago, compared to where you are now? Like, what is, is it black and white or is it, you know, not as, maybe as black and white, perhaps, you know, like the two extremes, like w how does it look?

Well, I think a really good way to illustrate that would be to compare a day in my life now to a day in my life five years ago. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So I would wake up at about five years ago. I would wake up at maybe 11, maybe noon hung over from the night before where I drank until about 4:00 AM or later , or I hadn't even been asleep yet. Just depended on on the day, maybe a typical Tuesday or something. And then I would wake up nurse the hangover and then try to find more booze or money to get booze if I was broke or maybe some weeds so that I can kill the hangover or whatever the case may be. I was basically always looking to, to either drink or cure a hangover. That was it. And then if I didn't have any money to do any of this stuff, I would just lay in bed literally all day with my laptop on my chest, watching Netflix and feeling sorry for myself. Oh, nobody loves me pity poor me. Now, if I look at a day, we'll say Monday, this past Monday, get up in the morning at, you know, early ish, six or so seven, and then I'll make some coffee. I've been making, pour over coffee. So I take my time with my coffee, you know, and then I journal, I meditate. And for the past three weeks I've been running between, well, about four or five half marathons a week or so . And just for the past couple of weeks , um , I'm on a big training high right now, so I'm just busting them out. And then so Monday I woke up, ran a half marathon was 13.1 miles. I don't know how many K that is. Um, so did that come home, take shower. And then I'm already working on stuff from my master's program, which starts next month. I got my reading list for all my classes. And I've been trying to read through the books before classes start because I got a baby on the way and he's coming in April. So I can't be clogging up all my time in the first semester, reading all these books. Right. So I need to utilize my time now as best as I can. So, I mean, can you see the difference?

Yeah. The only description there, isn't it? Um, that's phenomenal to hear, but something I do want to ask you about is how do you balance this all? How do you balance running all these half-marathons? How do you balance going back to university or college , uh , for the Americans? Um, how do you, how do you even, like, here's your marriage, it's going to take up your time. The kid's going to take up your time. Like where do you, where do you find the time in your day to balance all this?

Everybody's got the same 24 hours, right? For me, it's just about, I got to put it on paper. If I put it on paper and like, I'm not talking about, this is my to-do list. I'm talking like, from, from this minute to this minute, I'm doing this from this minute to this minute, I'm doing this. And man, my buddy auction , auction, Nevada , he's got a book called fear, Vonda . I highly suggested follow him on Instagram. He's an extraordinary guy. Um, but he talks about this thing where , um, he changes his mask, right? Like you put on, if you're going to be you and family stuff, you put on your family mask and not, well, I guess the mask, our way could be misconstrued. Like you're not, you're not faking it. Right. You're putting, it's more of a hat right now . Put them a work hat. And I put on my church hat and I put on my, whatever hat, my running hat. But if I'm, if, if it's a scheduled time to do this scheduled thing, I'm doing that thing. Right? So it's, it's about practicing that, switching your mindset to be in each thing, as mindful as possible. And then by the end of the day, I've worn six different hats, doing six different things, making progress in six different areas and then get some good sleep, eat some good food, drink a crap ton of water, and then wake up the next day and do it all over again, you know, planning it and then being mindful in each task. That's the only way. And if I'm being 100% honest, sometimes I fail with the balance. And I know that I'm failing when I start falling short in any area. Right. Like if my wife looks at me and she's just and I can't figure out what it is, it's usually because I've neglected something when that, or if I'm reading on a book and it's something that was written in the 1960s by this guy from Oxford. And he's just talking about something that, and I can't, I have to read the same paragraph, maybe six or seven times before I can move on, then there's something wrong in my mindset. Right. There's something plaguing me. So that means that I gotta take a step back reevaluate, figure out where that imbalance has occurred and then fix it, move forward. Yeah.

Okay . That's interesting. So you're always taking charge at the day. You're, you know, you're being proactive with your day rather than being reactive to it . Uh , not , not only that you're adapting to your day as well. Like I love how adaptable that is in the, you know, you recognize it . Lifestyle is fruit curve balls, and we're also human and we don't perform at a hundred percent and we probably never will. But you know, the fact that you can take a step back recognize where you could have potentially done better implement it. So the next day you are doing better. I mean, it's no wonder your wedding and most areas of your life. So, you know . Yeah. Um, I mean, gosh, I could talk for hours here on just about everything.

Just one more thing on that too, man. Like I'm also being aware that I'm going to die someday . And I was like , yeah , yeah , death meditations are a big deal. Like I would do the daily stoic and I've been doing it for a year now, like a full year. And um, this whole month has been about death. Like memento, Mori. Remember you're going to die as soon as , as soon as we're born, our time is numbered, you know, it's limited. So if, if we're not taking advantage of that, then we're cheating ourselves. You know? So like, if I were not in the fact, like I got to rush, rush, rush and do all this crap because I'm all about quality over quantity. Right. I mean, it may sound like I'm into the qual , the quantity, which I am, but I'm trying to do a whole bunch of really, really awesome stuff, you know, and I'm trying to do it very well. So that takes mindfulness, but it also takes a reminder of like, okay, too much screen time, for example , um, I'm guilty of that. Like checking my likes on Instagram and all that. Like sometimes like I catch myself or my wife catches me. That's even better. And she's like, Hey, you're just going to sit over there on your phone all day. And I'm like, you know, you're right. Like, is this where you want to be? When you have a heart attack at 88 years old flipping through Instagram?

Nah, I'd rather be playing ,

Playing with grandkids. You know what I mean? Yeah. Grandkids

That hit me hard that wanted is this where you want to be when you're 85 and have a heart attack scrolling through Instagram, that's going , I'm going to have to dwell on that one. Yeah . All of those . Good to think about that. Yeah. Yeah. So , um, for the audience wholly recommend the daily stoic opposite fantastic resource. Um, and yeah, I do eventually I do every so often do catch saying to myself, memento Mori as well. Um, you know, to remind me that, you know, if I'm sweating the small stuff and I'm like memento Mori as like, you know, look at the bigger picture , um, and you know, sees the Dave with all you've got. Um, but yeah, that's more, more wisdom from yourself there. And I think the only thing circling back a bit that I'd like to ask is, and I'm going to get really real here for any like potential addicts or people down in the DMS or like life is just kicking you down at the moment. What advice do you have for people who were in a similar situation to you or just in like life is just knocking them two for sex at the minute. Like, what's your advice to them?

Everything is temporary. Nothing, nothing lasts forever. And that's the good and the bad, right? Like happiness. It's good when it's there, but it's temporary. It will go away the same with sadness. The same with anger, the same with anything. And I find that the cure to feeling, feeling down, to feeling like the world's just on top of you is action. Go do something like whether that's just dropping down and doing 10 pushups, taking six deep breaths, go run 15 miles. Like whatever, go run 15 feet, like do something, just take action that is going to change perspectives. Like every single time it never fails. Just do something, but also remember what's your feeling right now will go away with time. Take messy action. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It doesn't have to be perfect. Yeah.

Just do something. Yeah. I really liked that. And something else you touched on , um, about , wait , this, this will pass , uh , one of my favorite quotes from Marcus Aurelius, you know, I'm big on stoicism, you know, is the, you know, this too shall pass doesn't matter, apply that to anything. You know, and I , I really liked that because, you know, especially, you know, I had a fantastic brew trip this year, growing the North coast of Scotland on is probably the happiest I've been in a long time, just like, you know, window dine, traveling, sun blaze and dine and the remote Highlands of Scotland. And I couldn't remember a time I've been more happy and I sort of thought to myself, it's a bit sad that this is getting the end, but then I said, you know, this too shall pass. And I stick with fault themself . Well, no , I'll just appreciate this moment and stop worrying about the fact that this, this is getting in, just be present in this moment. You know, I didn't need an Instagram to record it. I didn't need, you know, I was just there with myself, content in my bones and muscle of my mindset, loving life. And you know, then there was also the days that I just feel bloody terrible, quite frankly, for no good reason. That's like, well, it's all right, because this too shall pass maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, but it's not permanent, which is so liberating as well.

Oh for sure, man. Everything goes away.

Yeah. And the final question I have for you after everything you've been through and uh , all the success you've had, what does the future look like for you and I ,

The future? Well , I try not to put too much stock and what I want the future to look like, because it's going to be whatever it is, you know? So I try to, I it's like a mural, right? Like when , uh , when a muralist is painting this huge fricking mural, don't make it into a grid system and then they'll focus on each little block at a time. Right. So if you take your time and focus on each individual block, by the time you're down to this last block, you're going to have this amazingly beautiful picture with full of just amazing little details. Right? So if I had to speculate on what my future will look like, I like that. I want to own a ranch. I want to have farm land. I want to have a bunch of kids running around all the time. Um, I want to have a house with no house payment. I don't , I don't have to build it, but I , you know, I want it to be paid off. You know, all of those financial things will be taken care of. I won't have to worry about all that stuff that way, because it's Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Right? You get all those base things filled out, which that's what I'm working at right now. That's when you can get up to self-actualization and really start working on the that matters, you know, like happiness, isn't the end be all. However, it's pretty nice sometimes, you know, and that only comes from not having to worry about food, water, shelter, love, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff, you know? So yeah. I'll , I'll have some books out, like I'll , I'll be writing books and I'll be a tenured professor at a university somewhere. I'll be doing all that. I'll have a podcast going, I'll have, you know, I'll be running ultra marathons and people will be like, Oh, Hey, there's that 60 year old guy running a hundred miles. Like cool. You know,

That's awesome. I love the ambition. And where mom with your mindset, I have no doubt that you will achieve it. So given your incredible story will know , dite inspire people listening to this and they'll go, well, I want more of this. So where can they find you if they want to hear more of your content?

Yeah. So right now I'm only on Instagram. Um , Marcus, a Thornton, all one word , um, at Marcus acorn , I guess, is the thing. And I tend to Mo post mostly about like running things of that nature, but I always try to tie in some motivational stuff to it or whatever the case may be. So you can, you can definitely follow me there. That's where I'm pretty much active all the time. So

Perfect. And I'll , uh, I'll also provide that link in the show notes as well. So , uh, for those of you on your phones, you can just simply click and you can go to his profile , um, and well, get motivated, go on kick in life. Um, Marcus, it's been an opposite privilege to have you on the podcast and I'll hopefully have you back on again sometime soon, but once again, thank you so much for coming on today.

Oh man. It's been a true honor. I appreciate you having me. Yeah. Thanks very much, Paul . Yeah. Thank you.

There you go, everyone. That was my good friend, Marcus Forton , discussing case life journey and overcoming addiction. Uh, I hope you find a lot of value in that conversation. I know I really enjoyed it. I always enjoy chatting to Marcus and uh , if you enjoyed that content, you can look forward to more. Uh, I always do one special a month and uh, there's obviously the, all the other content , uh, associated with the curious Ulsterman. So if you do enjoy this , uh, kind of content do let me know. And if you enjoyed this episode, please leave a rating and review. It really goes a long way. Uh, if you want to get in touch with me, please do get in touch with all the socials , uh , YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, and , uh , look forward to seeing you back on the podcast next time, all the best bye-bye

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